BREASTMILK

What They Carry In the Sun

James King
age 27, from New Hampshire
@jamn_king on Instagram

-

the wet street on this winter morning
holds an ocean of light

and all over campus the students carry their coats
in thin arms bent like wings

and one boy walks past
holding a bouquet of flowers
in such bright pinks and greens
they don't even look real

I carry the full enormous weight
of joy for the first time
and gloves in my pockets
and the sense the sky is no longer a cavern
that could cave in or a bowl
for god to eat the hot stew
he has made of the world

the telephone poles carry only their power
and no more posters for missing cats
the staples tarnished black and bare

and the snow melt that flows down the sidewalk
carries the good dirt in it
and you should not drink it but oh
what would happen if you could

Losing Mom: I Miss You

Meesh
age 36, from Florida

-

9/30/2025
I still feel your presence. I picked up your ashes today. Peakins is protecting them.
I miss you, Mom.
I saw Weird Al in concert the other day and I laughed so much... I thought about all the times we listened to his cassette tapes together.
I'm really enjoying your essays and journal entries.
Thank you SO MUCH for writing so much. Reading your words makes me feel close to you.
I am grateful we got you back from that HCA nightmare and got to spend those last several days with you.
I am so grateful that I trusted you and confided in you. You. made me feel seen and loved and you were so helpful.
And I'm so glad you confided in me. I so dearly enjoyed our conversations about boundaries, stoicism, and how to protect our fragile emotions from narcissistic blowhards.

10/3/2025
It's really hard to move forward. I'm so tired. I miss you so much. For sure you'd tell me I'm being too hard on myself. All my friends do. I'm wearing your thumbprint necklace. Your advice to me is engraved: "Oh, stop being so serious!"
[Redacted] has been great, I'm relying on her a lot, but we're both struggling. My other friends keep offering to help but I often don't know what to ask for. I'm trying though, [Redacted] came over and helped with laundry.
[Redacted] is coming over next week. [Redacted] offered me groceries. [Redacted] games with me.
It's a start. I wish you had accepted help more.
I will remember that.
I will ask for help. I love you , Mom. I think about you everyday.

10/6/2025
I'm at the bank tying up some of your loose ends. It's sad...so...corporate. But I am amused when I think of how similar we are with clerical tasks. They're unpleasant and boring, aren't they. I miss your socially awkward commentary. What I would give to hear you blurt out your thoughts. On second thought, I can hear them. You make me smile. It feels comforting to hold this binder again.

Losing Mom: You Can Rest Now

Meesh
age 36, from Florida

-

Shortly after I returned from Spain, I handed Mom my booklet of watercolor paintings. She said "I'd really like to study these," which made me chuckle at the time because many of my sketches were quite absurd, she thought everything I did was so meaningful.
She asks so earnestly.
She didn't always understand her kids, but she really tried.

That was two weeks ago.

I know you may not feel like this is a beautiful moment, but please let me study you. This may be the last night I have with my living, breathing Mom. Every moment your eyes meet mine is precious to me. You cannot speak to me anymore, but your face has always said plenty. I'm listening. And just in case you hear me, I'll tell you over and over.
I love you. I'm proud of you. I cherish the time I spent with you. All is forgiven. You did so much for me. You lit up so many worlds with your intense curiosity and passion.
I am here. I will take care of you and keep you company until the bitter end.

You did it, Mom. You united your family and they all love you.

You can rest now.

Losing Mom: Thank You

Meesh
age 36, from Florida

-

She said all the time how grateful she was for the time she got with us. How proud she is.
There's always something more we could have done,
but she was happy.
And we told her all the time how much we loved her.
And how proud we are of how much she's grown.
We really got to know each other, and ACCEPT each other.
I came to understand her likes, dislikes, needs, feelings, joys, and
ideas so deeply. I could calm her down, hype her up, and
solve any problem for her. It was so rewarding.
I am a helper. And she was my favorite person to help.

THANK YOU FOR
Teaching me to ride a bike, walking with me, taking interest in my hobbies.
Learning and embracing our sibling culture – Abu!
Encouraging me that I would find love and friends… I did.
Warming up robes in the dryer when we played in the snow.
Getting me a paper route, going biking with me, teaching me etiquette,
getting to know my friends... Being weird and intense and
encouraging me to be weird and intense.
Buying me a sword after I got rejected… Throwing a melon
so I could chop it like an anime character.
Watching Totoro with me. Taking care of me when I was sick.
Playing my favorite songs on the piano.
Letting me punch bread when we were kneading it.
Thank you for coming to see me defend my dissertation and for telling me how proud you were.

Losing Mom: Nothing Feels Right

Meesh
age 36, from Florida

-

Nobody knows what to do, you just have what's in your heart. We all do the best we can.

I don't know what to do. But I want to be next to you. I'm here. I love you.

I'll never get to ask her if I did a good job. Did I make her feel safe and loved? I will never know.

Her breathing is getting shallowed. her voice is barely a whisper, her mouth can't form words. I'm losing her, and there is nothing I can do to stop it or bring her back.

I'm not ready to lose you. I still have questions. I miss you. I want to know your opinions. I want you to witness my milestones. But you were there when I learned music, when I got married, when I got my PhD, when I cried over break-ups, and when I was WEIRD.

You saw me. You loved me. I see you. I love you. I know you're ready to go. I accept that. I'll. be okay. You raised strong kids.

Losing Mom: Her Last Meal

Meesh
age 36, from Florida

-

"ha..ha.."
"You're a nut"
*punch*

"Swallow like this: GULP!"

*

Her last meal at the table

"Aren't you hungry, Sher?"
"Biscuits and gravy, Mom! They have all the calories!"
"Mmm. It's good"
"And a truffle for dessert!"

*

"Ohhh..."
I carried her to her last shower and I brushed her teeth and hair. She was always fastidious about hygiene and I know the residue on her teeth was bugging her.

She dropped the brush but still tried to run it through her hair. Her arm didn't reach the scalp.

Dear God, why do people kill?

Scott Holstad
@scottsmusicshak on Instagram

-

Dear God,

Why do people fucking kill in your name? Why do people hurt, steal, maim in your name? Blood on the hands of a nation, the world - your followers, pricks all, leeches sucking the lifeblood out of the earth, leaving it a rotting, moldy, crusty piece of shit to laugh at, to cry about. What kind of miserable son of a bitch are you anyway?

Dramatic Angsty Entry

Scott Holstad
@scottsmusicshak on Instagram

-

I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF DEMANDS! THEY ALL WANT SOMETHING. BASTARDS - LEAVE ME ALONE!

FUCKERS - WHY CAN'T I BE ME? WHY DO I HAVE TO CHANGE? I'M RIGHT - I'M GOING CRAZY - VISIONS, THEY'RE ALL FLOATING. THEY CALL ME SELFISH, OBNOXIOUS, ECCENTRIC, CRUDE, SHALLOW, DEEP, ASSHOLE - SO? LET ME BE! I LIKE MYSELF UNTIL THEY SINK THEIR ROTTING CLAWS INTO MY FLESH, DIG THRU MY INTESTINES, SWALLOW ME WHOLE -
I AM NO MORE!

Sour Feeling

Prasanna
age 23, from India

-

A lot of self-realization happened yesterday. Like a lot of it.

I still always come home with a sour feeling in my throat and a tightened chest every time we have a family gathering. I always act like a kid with kids & you know when they grow up & you’re still acting like them, that really is super, like extremely weird & immature in fact.

What do I do? What can I do to not feel like this every single time?

It’s so annoying and repetitive, I hate it, I absolutely hate it.

College.

Anonymous
age 24, from Indianapolis

-

I am 24 years old.
Somewhere, somehow, I am still feeling unfulfilled at an unidentifiable 'what could have been.'

College. A messy, beautiful, painful collection of my memories. That I can't seem to replicate.

Here's the kicker: it wasn't all that great. I was mildly depressed. I went through something traumatic. Yet, my naive brain ignores the scars and only presents the simple.

My best friends, who I love beyond measure, and I don't talk to anymore. The first time I got drunk & high. The music. The hallways. The classes. The late night vulnerability. The girlhood. The irreplaceable feeling that I finally belonged somewhere, as simple and meaningless as that random Tuesday night was.

I have a bad feeling I will forever be chasing the same feeling. And will never find it again.

How do I let something so raw, beautiful, and transformative go?

It's been almost one year since you died

Anonymous

-

[redacted],
it's been almost one year since you died. so much has happened since then & I wish you were here so badly. so so badly. I miss you so much and I feel like I took you for granted. I just feel numb now. and sick to my stomach. I know you'd be so mad at me for sitting here all alone & in my feelings but I can't help it. I love you so much [redacted].

He is not the one for me

Anonymous

-

I do not need [redacted]. He is not the one for me. He does not love me. He is not available for me. I am not available for him. He can not have me. Only I can have myself. Only I can love myself. Let him go. It is time to move on. I still love him but I need to give that love to myself. I am strong. I am a fighter. I know my worth. It was a privilege for him to get to love me. He fucked up. It's his loss. I do not need him to know my worth. Myself is enough. I am enough. I will let those memories go, as I will let that love fade away. I did everything I could, gave him my everything when the whole time I should have been giving that to myself.

I am not built for nonchalance

Rebecca Budrick

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I am not built for nonchalance. I will care deeply, loudly, without limitations. I leave my ringer on at night - not in the hopes of a call, but in case I'm needed. I am the type to ask if you are doing okay a thousand times. The drop everything when someone calls. The dry my own tears to let yours flow. Drive all night - through storms - to keep you company. I'll stay on the call long after you have fallen asleep, checking for even breathing. I believe in the power of goodnight and good morning. In wishing for safety and wellness. I don't pray in the traditional sense. But I put prayer into people. Would fight tooth and nail against impossible odds to ensure love is poured into every fiber of your being. As if I alone have divine power to eradicate darkness. When someone has fought off darkness for so long, they see the signs in others. I see when it festers within you; maybe it's naive to think I alone can draw it out and into myself. Tuck it away from you. Give it all to me; I can take it and burn it into something new. An ironworker at the smithing table - I'll turn your pain into art, give it back to you in its renewed form so you can marvel in life's joys. Even if you take these gifts and leave, I'll keep you in my thoughts. Distance does not mean I won't carry your burdens. And, if someday you realize you are walking lighter - I'll have done my job.